I don't like the cut of your jib

It's winter and it's cold - Time for a coat. This is easier said than done when you're a guy. I've been looking for a suitable coat for some time, with no joy, while the girls have plenty of choice when it comes to winter fashion, it seems that we boys are limited to a handful of options at ridiculous prices. During my search for a winter coat I have realised there are a fair few preconceptions when in comes to us guys, the first is that they think we are all shaped like an oil drum. 9 out of the 10 coats I have tried appear to have been tailored for beer kegs, it seems the word "cut" means absolutely nothing when it comes to winter coats for guys. The second thing I have found is that they assume us guys don't want choice when it comes to our winter coats - I must have seen 100 plus coats for girls, but just 10 for guys. The last and the most annoying thing I have discovered is that there is a "man tax" on winter coats, I kid you not! I have seen coats for girls ranging from as little as $20, the cheapest winter coat I saw for a guy was $199 - what do I say? Tough luck to us boys, we just have to suck it up. But don't worry, revenge is just around the corner - we'll wear the same T-shirt all summer while the girls will be spending hard earned cash on countless outfits ;-)

Stupid people that think they are smart

They have to be the most annoying people in the world. It's practically impossible to hold a sensible conversation with them - you feel that you're having one of those drunken conversations with your mate where you get all serious about ridiculous issues, the generally go alone these lines "How can you say that the salted peanut is superior to the roasted peanut, that's a ridiculous claim!". The problem with having these kind of conversations when you're not drunk is that they hurt your brain.

I had the misfortune of having such a conversation with a stupid-think-I'm-smart person yesterday. I called up an estate agent and asked if they could send me a tenancy application form for a property we are viewing on the weekend, to which I was told they couldn't do it. "Why?" I asked. "Because you have to view the property before you can apply". "Yes....I understand that, I'm coming to have a look at it on Saturday and rather than go home fill in the form then drive over to your offices and return the form, I thought I could fill it in and hand it over if I like the place". There was a moment of silence before her response. "You have to view the property before you can apply". OK, am I missing something here? Do you understand what I have just said or not, clearly not, so I reiterated my response, to which I got the following response... wait for it.... "you have to view the property before you can apply". It was at this point that I noticed that every time she said this, she made her voice sound that little bit more authoritative and knowledgeable. At this point I decided to give up and take what was left of my brain and go about my day. The take out - stupid people think that if they say the same thing again with a more serious tone that it will make sense - I've got news for you, if you're talking crap it doesn't matter how serious you say it, it still doesn't mean anything - look at most politicians.

You know you're getting old when...

The band that all the girls loved when you were a kid have a comeback. I remember laughing at my older sister, Alison, when all the "best of the 80s" stuff stated coming out - "it's official, you're old now" i said, "You'll get yours" she said - I thought, what does she know, she's old. Well, that one came back round and took a massive chunk out of my ass didn't it!

As I sat there this morning watching Take That perform their comeback single on TV, I realised - it's happened, I has finally happened, I'm getting old. As if to add insult to injury, the presenter bellowed out "it's been ten years since your last performance"....bugger it has been ten years. I distinctly remember the hatred that every teenage boy had towards that band, every hit song they had just grew the hatred even more. But fast forward ten years, I sat there on my couch, eating my breakfast and humming along, thinking, this is quite good - another sign of old age - losing your taste in music.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Rubbish.... You're all thinking "what a lazy git". Well you'd be wrong. I've actually been pretty damn busy, the appropriate insult would be "what an inconsistent git" - I feel more comfortable with that. Anyway - stay tuned for some more updates.

2 is not the magic number

We live in a society obsessed by health, so much so that we have numbers attached to every aspect of our health - how much we should weigh, our blood pressure, how much water we should drink, how many pieces of fruit we should eat and so on. It's the last numbers that interest me the most, the ones about the water and the fruit - how on earth are you supposed to do this?

I tried drinking 2 litres of water a day and spent most of my time in the toilet. And the fruit - I only have three meals a day, when am I supposed to squeeze all this fruit in. This focus on water and fruit is a massive departure from the standard bloke diet of beer and meat, with a few fries thrown in - making it practically impossible for us to adopt. In comparison to the average girls diet of nothing and rice cakes, water and fruit probably seems quite appealing.

My thoughts - beer is wet so it obviously contains water and we drink plenty of that and there's no substitute for a good old lump of meat, as our mate Sam Neill quite rightly points out- "red meat, we were meant to eat it." Genius Sam, just genius.

The Principle

At the weekend, I found myself defending a decision I had made with the answer "yes, but it's the principle". It got me to thinking, what does "it's the principle" mean to us blokes? Is it a deep held belief that we harbour, an ethos or a set of values held as firmly as a bodybuilders butt? It's something that we say all the time and we often use it to defend a variety of decisions ranging from how many beers we're going to drink through to a major career decision. In reality, it's just an excuse for us to be stubborn and pig headed, if we actually stopped an thought about it for a second, "it's the principle" actually translates to "it's my ball and I'm going home!" So, next time you catch yourself saying "it's the principle" you'd better be talking about Mrs Krabappel's on/off again boyfriend, Seymour.

Man Bags - Just a figment of her imagination

Like most blokes, I have a shoulder bag, or satchel if you will, that I have all my necessities in such as my wallet, keys, work folders... you get the picture. Anyway, I was rather shocked at repetitive references to the said satchel as a "Man Bag".

Do people really think that men are as obsessed with their bags as women are? Do they think we go out in search of the ultimate shoulder bag, wrestling with each other at the sales for the "cutest" satchel? The answer is no. Yes, we're a bit more obsessed with our looks than generations gone, but it's all about practicality - just like the briefcase of yesteryear - only not as stupid looking.

So no next time someone refers to your bag as a "Man Bag", politely tell them that you don't dance round it, it took one minute to pick out, you got it from the first shop you went to, it contains no more than five items at one time and it is possible for you to leave the house without it if so required.